I am a novelist and author of several literatures, in both
the essay and novel world. Below I have put on display for your reading
and laughing enjoyment a number of my humor essays and articles.
Enjoy!
Titles:
To Mount A Tire - article
Nasal Spray: A Necessity? - essay
These stories and articles are strictly copyrighted and have already been published. If you use my writings for any purposes, you must--by law-- ask permission. I observe all areas of writing. If you sneak it, you will be found, and prosecuted by law, after I finish with you...
Now, I know about rubber and the physics involving sling-shots, but this was supposed to be a different story. This was only a tire!
All the same, it happened.
I don't know when I last changed my mountain bike tires. Nevertheless, I had an old, worn- out pair of tires on the carpet in front of me and a date at seven tonight. It was a biking date; this chore had to be done!
The door to my closet of bicycle equipment--or junk--opened with a slow groan. The light bulb had gone out long ago, and, not wanting to waste any energy that could be spent on cycling, I'd never changed the bulb. I peered in at the dark, dusty heap of equipment: bike seats, handle bars, bent spokes, even pieces of bike tubing.
What fortune! Right in front of me were two bike tires. I whipped them out of the mass of debris before I had any second thoughts. For a split second I saw the mountain in my closet sway as if to topple.
Triumphantly, I threw the tires around my neck and walked carefully across my cluttered living room to begin the long process of mounting a tire on a rim. I like to relate this chore to throwing a lasso around a wild mustang.
I'd already searched around the house for my Tire On tool. This machine works superbly if it can be found. After an hour of hunting, I gave up for fear of having to look in my closet again. Besides, I like to master incredible projects with old fashioned get-em-on tools: screw-drivers, tape, cranes, and teeth.
After warming the tires for half an hour in the microwave and boiling them in hot tub water, I felt I was prepared for the task. I pulled on my old biking gloves from high school and went to work.
Two hours went by. I was not having fun and time was not flying. Despite my situation, I was trying to have a good attitude about the whole ordeal. I grinned like a fool. Actually, it made me feel like ol' Davy grinning down a mean ol' grizzly.
Another hour.
Finally, I had three-fourths of the tire on the rim, held there by tape, Velcro, and super-glue. I'd even managed to get one of my legs up on the tire for added pressure.
I paused to take a breath, careful not to release my hold on the bent screw-driver. Once again, I pried and pulled and screamed and yelled. The lasso was almost over the top!
That's when it happened--right when I thought my task was getting boring. I started to be pulled upward by my screw-driver! Slowly at first, but then I picked up speed.
I was shot into the air like buck-shot from a sling-shot. I soared through the air with my cheesy grin, the screw-driver (catapult in my case) in my hand, and the lasso around my waist instead of around that wild mustang.
Though I don't believe in real, live luck, and although there are many other places to land in my house, the door to my equipment closet gaped wide, portraying its craving, drooling mouth, prepared for my flight arrival. My grin disappeared.
Landing in the heaps of junk, litter, and debris I thought of my date for tonight. This was only a date! I shivered at the thought of a wedding.
Today, in the year 2016, the world has been revived from the chaos of the computer malfunction of 2000. Among other advances, we have installed new systems of dependability--manual labor--and overcome the downslide of the previous dirty-air threat.
Since the bugs in the byte and keyboard are now history, other products have taken their place on the market. Instead of eyeing the internet for artifacts and news of the past, we now sniff Knows-it Nasal Spray. Knows-it has recently been proven useful. It is a nasal spray which blasts millions of particles of information into the brain. IQ's have been rising all over the world.
Instead of attending school, students and adults alike simply take their weekly inhalent, their dose of Knows-it. This product is already at the tip of their neurons.
Both past and recent studies concerning inhalents have proven nasal sprays hazardous to the health and very addictive--even fatal.
Nasal sprays were introduced back in the 1900's. Certain patients with frequent or prolonged colds used a nasal spray as an expectorant to clear decongestion of the sinus cavities. Years ago, when Earth's air was much dirtier, many users relied on the sprays to breath throughout their days. Here, the danger resided; here, the dragon dwelled. The harmful addiction to nasal sprays, labeled "rhinitis medicamentosa," was and is real--and could get worse.
It doesn't take long for someone to run the risk of addiction. It's different for everyone but will certainly happen sooner or later. "Once you get past a week of continuous use, you're tempting fate," says William R. Wilson, M.D. (Prevention's, 291).
In the 1980's, nasal spray was used and worked quite well for customers--at first. But after a week of ply, the spray seemed to cause more discomfort than comfort. Problems grew worse everyday: nasal nerves became visible, "lowered resistance to infection, stomach ulceration, fluid retention, potassium depletion, risk of cataracts, and muscle weakness" (New People's Pharmacy).
When Bill Clinton was President of the United States, he stressed the concern for the smokers stating, "It [smoking] is the most serious public health problem that our young people face. Three thousand of them a day begin to smoke illegally and a thousand will have their lives shortened as a result." In response, the new nicotine inhaler was introduced nationwide.
In 1993, the Journal of the American Medical Association "recruited and randomly allocated" a number of smokers to try a nicotine inhaler or placebo to be used for three months (1268-1271). The objective of the oxygen-tent doctors was to produce a respectable result of smokers to stop smoking after a few weeks. A large percentage of the "guinea pigs" stopped smoking; they were now addicted to the spray instead.
Here, the risk of becoming addicted to the nasal spray was overlooked. Instead of a smoker shivering in the cold to get his fix off a cigerette, a man simply inhaled on his nicotine cartridge 10-15 times--or more--a day, wherever he was.
The oxygen-tent doctors would then smile and pat each other on the back and talk excitedly about the diminishing number of smokers they saw on the street. The dragon began to grow in strength and stamina.
Although the oxygen-tent doctors have decreased the percentage of smokers on school sidewalks and outside hospital doors, the internal body damage is still taking its toll. Along with the fix of nicotine in an inhaler comes the tar--tar just as strong as when it was smoked.
"One treatment [for osteoporosis] combining sodium fluoride, vitamin D, and a nasal spray of calcitonin is under study," said the Federal Drug Administration (FDA) in 1995 (FDA Consumer, 20-24). Needless to say, the nasal spray for osteoporosis was approved. More ignorant men and women were soon hooked and addicted; the dragon was awake and walking among us.
These illnesses need to be attacked, but are nasal sprays the answer?
If a doctor stated any kind of warning about these tools, it was lost in pages of documentaries where the average human would never think to look.
Nasal spray products differ far from other prescription and nonprescription drugs in many ways: addiction does not normally induce sleep; it is not as deadly; its addictive presence is not seen until it is too late.
How does the addiction start? We'll take a small but serious example: the use of a decongestant. "Oral decongestants don't have the property that would cause an addiction," says Dr. Heroy of Maryland (Nasal, 291). This could possibly be the purpose that so many think a spray decongestant is just the same.
However, the topical spray treatments irritate the mucosa, which are the membranes lining the nose and respiratory system.
After the spray wears off, the mucosa goes through a "rebound effect" and actually gets worse than it previously was (Nasal, 291). Spray again and the rebound effect comes around again. Relatively soon, the nasal spray works for shorter and shorter periods of time. It can get so bad that people will be spraying every 20 minutes just to keep their nose clear.
Is the present Knows-it Nasal Spray just as hazardous? Even if there is a small reaction or a small rebound effect, it could easily affect many lives! Here again though, the air-tent doctors try to outweigh the bad with the good. The dragon venom blinds their eyes.
"Is it worth it?" that is the question!
Despite an essay's complaining, notwithstanding a disgusted doctor's ranting and raving, the average addictive nasal spray does have it's few good points. Eighty percent of the users who use nasal sprays do see a definite positive effect. The spray also works in an average of 10 minutes! However, continued use or halting the use will eventually make matters worse.
The oxygen-tent specialists see the air clearing around exits and the slightly reduced rates of tared lung cancer. The dragon's odorous fumes are covered by a plastic tube with pretty words and bare warnings.
The Knows-it Nasal Spray of the decade is here. Students will be able to memorize a book in only a swift breath of toxic air. Sound attractive?
As the sure-to-lead product of 2016 grows on the market, keep in mind this attraction is worse than any of history's greatest invented allures: telephones, blenders, television sets, microwaves, computers, X-ray machines, robots, and time travel gadgets. For the society who uses Knows-it Nasal Spray--it could be devastating.
With as much dependency--or uncontrolled addiction--as experts say the world will soon have on Knows-it, exhaust and dust of the 21 century was only a spark in comparison. But we're headed for an explosion....