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Don’t panic. I understand how you feel. Sometimes life is rough and it seems like nothing is going right in the entire universe. There’s starvation in Indonesia, economic turmoil in Russia, and there’s an English test next period. There’s not much you can do about my English test, but there are a few things that might help the world. — EMILY CUMMINGS |
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1. Use turn signals while driving.
2. Smile less. Go around all day trying to touch your tongues to your noses instead — that’d make life more entertaining.
3. Take a moment sometime to thoroughly examine a Cheetos cheese puff and then reevaluate whether or not it’s really a food source.
4. Send any of your leftover apples, pumpkins or pears to Beth Sorensen to help feed the 10 orphaned bear cubs that she’s taking care of. Call 752-5501 for more info.
5. Realize that poinsettias have poisonous leaves. People living with cats, dogs, small children, or members of the football team shouldn’t keep poinsettias in their houses.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’d like to state that I was only kidding and that I think football players are really nice, kind, generous, gentle people — i.e. don’t beat me up after school.
6. Please find “Jeopardy” a new theme song.
7. Make people who are so old that they are decomposing at the wheel refrain from driving five miles an hour through the busiest sections of town.
8. Read the number seven again, and emphasize that they should especially avoid doing this when I’m late getting back to class from open-campus lunch.
9. Petition for the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon-strip to come out of retirement.
10. Turn back time and prevent the Bee Gees from recording “Jive Talkin’.”
11. Have more fire drills. Especially during 3rd period (hint hint).
12. Make hundreds of big mean people stop cutting in front of me in the lunch line.
13. Keep certain individuals in my English class from cracking their knuckles.
14. Make teachers take into consideration the mental stress and emotional trauma inflicted on their students by pop quizzes.
15. Pick up your trash. It’s easy. Anybody with an opposable thumb can master this concept.
16. Convince Bill Gates to give me $20 million. That’s the same skin off Billy’s nose as if an average Kalispell lawyer gave me 40 bucks.
17. Persuade the free world to outlaw spandex.
18. To the class next door: Don’t schedule your “Witch Hunting in Salem” screaming-movie on the same day as my English test.
19. Help Russia locate the 20-25 nuclear bombs that they have ‘misplaced’ during all their political upheaval.
20. Resist the temptation to buy sport utility vehicles if you live in a suburb, despite the commercials … With icy winds gusting snow and hail into a whiteout frenzy, our fearless driver—oblivious to the danger and certain death lurking around every corner—skillfully maneuvers past treacherous cliffs and tumbling rocks and pulls safely into the Mini Mart.
21. Convince some courageous and ambitious young scholar to finger-paint one of Mrs. Brown’s English papers.
22. Persuade Mr. Antonovich and Mr. Colburn to do the “macarena” at the next school assembly.
23. Get rid of standardized testing.
24. Pay me hundreds of thousands of dollars for writing this.
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