understanding grief Grief — it is one of those emotions, such as love, that is vague in definition, yet profound in feeling. It is one of the most intense emotions of life and rarely does anyone escape it. But grief doesn’t come with an instruction manual for working through the feelings it brings. The important thing to remember while in the midst of grief is that it is a process that can be overcome. “There aren’t many options” when dealing with grief, said Karene Manus, who works with the Compassionate Friends Network, which focuses especially with grieving children. “You have to choose to go on. You have to go through the process.” Grief is often likened to a physical wound that needs time to repair itself. Most often, working through grief is referred to as a healing process, not a recovery process, said Helen Brooks, a Home Options Hospice volunteer coordinator and bereavement counselor. “Grief is like a wound because a wound doesn’t ever heal completely,” said Brooks. “In a time of grief, we have a scar on our body and that’s what grief is.” “It’s something that doesn’t heal,” said Manus. “It’s just a big hole. It’s like part of you is gone.” Grief can be further understood by realizing it is accompanied by change. “Most people don’t like change,” said Brooks. “And grief brings change.” When we grieve, according to Brooks, we are often changed and never fully return to the person we were before the loss, but, said Brooks, “we can go on.” Because grief is such an intense emotion that can shatter a person’s security, the changes it brings that come with it are often thought to be overwhelmingly negative. But the changes, both in a persons private and public life can be very positive, according to Brooks. These positive changes include courage, confidence and a greater appreciation for life. Much of grief involves fear. The person mourning sud-denly faces an unfamiliar world. “Fear is just simply the unknown,” according to Brooks. In addition to facing the unknown, fear can also come from facing difficult questions about life. “When a person is grieving, it puts them in touch with their own mortality,” said Easthaven Baptist Youth Pastor Jeff Buscher. “Some of those things will drive a person to start searching for answers.” Because there are different types of loss, grief has many faces. In speaking about grief, Sister Monica Ann Lucas, the director of pastoral care, counseling and education at St. Joseph Hospital in Albuquerque, N.M., explains grief in more personal terms: “Grief is the emptiness that comes from eating alone after dining with another for years. It is teaching oneself how to go on without saying good night to the one who has died.” Grief has a very personal expression for each individual. It is important to remember that no matter what a grieving person feels and how that feeling may be expressed, grief is a normal reaction. “Grief is unique because we are unique in every experience in life,” said Brooks. Grief can differ depending on the type of loss. “There’s all different kinds of loss,” said FHS nurse Margie Cook. Loss does not always mean death. It can involve the ending of a relationship, a major change such as going to college, or even divorce, according to Cook. Because every loss is different and because of the uniqueness of each individual, one person will never experience the exact same feelings as another, even when dealing with the same loss. But professionals dealing with death have established a grief cycle composed of several different stages (see sidebar). “We all go through stages. No matter what kind of loss it is, you all go through stages,” said Cook. “That’s just the human experience. Our life experience colors all that.” According to Brooks, there are five main stages of grief. First, there is the initial loss. Immediately after comes the protest stage, which includes shock, crying, loss of appetite and lowered self-esteem. Third, comes the despair stage, which is characterized by slowed thinking, an urge to recover and despair. The fourth stage is the detachment stage, in which there is a decrease in social activity, apathy and an absence of spontaneity. The final stage is recovery. It is important to note that to reach recovery, the other stages must also be reached. But “there are no schedules and there are no timelines in grief,” said Brooks. Every individual will reach different stages at different times during the grief process and will spend different amounts of time at each stage. It is also important to remember that the stages form a cycle. “These cycles move forward and backward,” said Brooks. “It’s cyclical.” Understanding grief and the emotions and stages it brings can be the first part of the healing process. “Grief can be a great teacher. It can make you appreciate what you have,” said Cook. “Anything that’s painful can motivate us to appreciate how wonderful life is.” managing grief Grief can be worked through, and it is vital to do so, say bereavement counselors. “If you do not face your grief experience, people become physically ill, people become depressed,” said Brooks. “They never move forward. It can be debilitating if you don’t go through the grief process.” After a sudden loss the grieving one is often left in a very unprepared state of shock. This shock can lead to a sense of helplessness and unreality. “No one has been given an opportunity to prepare for this,” said Brooks. “It’s a shock immediately and the loss is not any different, but I think people are more apt to be in shock. What’s really important at this stage is to realize you have not had time to prepare for this loss.” Normalizing grief involves dealing with feelings as the person grieving feels prepared and comfortable to do so. “One thing I would stress is that you have to try to deal with your grief and each person is different and deals with it in different ways,” said Manus. “There is no right or wrong way. The important thing is to talk about it and feel it.” feeling the grief, rather than suppressing it, is a much healthier choice. Many times, feeling the grief revolves around reliving the memories. Although the memories may hurt, they also act as an important release. “I like to talk about him,” said sophomore Alison Tuszynski, whose father died unexpectedly of a heart attack last year. “I think a lot of that was just to know that the memories wouldn’t die. I didn’t want to forget. Sometimes I think there is nothing to do but just sit and cry. Nothing makes it go away, but it is kind of a release to let it out for a minute.” Tuszynski has also learned the cycles and patterns of grief.“For friends, you aren’t on a timeline,” said Tuszynski. “It’s not like six months or a year have gone by so she’s all better now. It’s just an ongoing process and you still have bad days.” People choose to deal with grief differently, but dealing with grief is healthier than suppressing it. “Most of the time it is better to talk about it, but I know some people can’t or don’t,” said Manus. “I think you have to deal with it sooner or later and sometimes it is a lot worse later, as it affects how you deal with other things.” Focusing on others and alternative activities, rather than continually focusing on the loss, can also be beneficial. “I’d say one of the best things you could do is focus on someone else,” said Buscher. The deed “may seem small, but you don’t realize how that’s impacting (others).” Through every cycle of grief and every emotion, one of the best things to do is preserve the memories of the lost person. Said Tuszynski: “I like to do things that we (Tuszynski and her late father) would do together. He is not there physically, but I can think of things he would say or do. It is comforting to know that what we shared was special and I still have the memories.” |
