Political Reform is like a bad WWF match: despite all the cool moves and the appearance of real action, it's all fake. The participants are just acting. Macho Man Randy Savage and Bad Boy Billy Clinton both excel in relatively the same way: they are bad actors. This year's hotly wrestled topic in Washington is Campaign Finance Reform.
I'll bet you a box of Slim Jims that it's not going to happen.
For one thing, President Clinton can't stay above the fray because he's deeper in it than anyone. His hollow calls for reform just after defeating Bob Dole were followed by progressively worse allegations of "impropriety" by businessman John Huang for funneling millions in illegal Asian donations to the Democratic National Committee during the election - donations that were returned only when the scandal came to light.
Billy could barely squirm his way out of that hold before he was pounced on again.
Round 2 began when it came to light that more than 900 people have stayed in the Lincoln bedroom during Bad Boy Billy's first term. Most of these "guests" donated large sums of money to the Democratic National Committee. As this tacky scandal danced the fine line between unethical and illegal, the nation really began taking interest in the fray.
The Main Event became a tag-team grudge match as Battered Billy got out of the ring and Al "The Alligator" Gore tagged in - and was promptly dropped to the mat. Apparently, the Vice President had solicited a few allegedly illegal donations of his own during the election - among them, by rich Asian businessmen donating illegal funds laundered through a Buddhist temple in Los Angeles.
Then there were the Vice President's phone solicitations made from his publicly owned office. According to campaign finance laws, this should be illegal. But don't expect any indictments. Pinning anything on this Administration is like getting Hulk Hogan to retire.
The oddest part of this strange brawl is that the Administration's current enemy isn't the Republicans. The media is digging all this up. Most Republicans seem to be keeping quiet. Why haven't they caught Wrestlemania fever?
The fact is, both parties prefer the spotlight just where it is.
The fact that the source of these donations may be the Chinese government, and much of their $1.8 million fund quite possibly benefited not only Clinton, but many unnamed congressmen. You won't see much action on the part of lawmakers with gulity consciences.
Meanwhile, reform will go straight to the back-burner, where it's been for many years now, while the focus stays on Center Ring - the White House. Congress can afford to let the media crucify the Administration while they kick back and watch the whole match on TBS.
While Clinton's scandals pile up faster than torn spandex at ringside, as Alligator Al's 2000 presidential hopes are being crushed against the campaign finance turnbuckle, life in Washington's WWF match goes on.
What a joke.