Picture this: It's a lazy summer afternoon and you're enjoying a leisurely nap outside in the hammock. Then the phone rings.
Thinking it might be something important, you jump out of the hammock, spilling iced tea all over your shirt, and race toward the phone, stubbing several toes while reciting every swear word you know before grabbing the phone in a frantic rush. To your surprise, the person on the other end asks for you by your full name (never a good sign). When they discover who you are, they begin a sales pitch about a long-distance savings program. Not wanting to be rude, you listen patiently for five minutes before telling the salesperson you're not interested. If this has ever happened to you, you've been a victim of telemarketing.
If you haven't been harassed by one of these people, count yourself lucky. Not a week passes when I don't receive at least one call from a salesmen from American Express, MCI or some other company eager for my money. It's really bad when they call to offer you credit card insurance and you don't even own a credit card.
The days of door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesmen are almost over. But just when we were getting used to some strange man in a $15 dollar suit coming to our door once a month with a crevice attachment device, a new, more potent adversary comes through the telephone.
It's come to the point when someone asks for me over the phone using my full name, I say, "Paul Wilson doesn't live here anymore. He joined a cult."
Okay, maybe that's going a little overboard, but this is a serious annoyance.
I reached my breaking point about a month ago, when I received an automated call about, no joke, septic tank cleanings. In their automated call, the buyer, or should I say prospective buyer, was supposed to give the information needed for the purchase by selecting the correct menus through touch tone. What a waste (chuckle, chuckle).
What's next, religious telemarketing? I'm sure each one of you has had some religious group come to your door and try to get you to support their faith. Can you imagine being called by some person asking if you'd like to be faxed a copy of Revelations?
Or what about political groups? ("If you wish to learn about the Communist Party of America, press one now...") I could see good old Ross Perot doing some telemarketing. ("Now here's the thing. The deficit, it's growin' like crazy, so I'll make it real clear to ya. Press one if you want to support me in 2000...") Maybe you don't really care. Maybe you can ignore telemarketing. But I have faith. Everyone will soon come to see the insipid nature of telemarketing if they haven't already. You'll see the light when you get your first call from Ron's Suck the Muck.